Scribbles

Oftentimes I imagine that I were the client and how I would interact with consultants.  Eventually my thinking turned to devising devious ways to extract more value (ie blood, sweat, tears) out of them.  After all, we pay so much for their services.  How can we guarantee the most bang for our company buck?  I brainstormed a bit and came up with a few ideas:

• Stock the team room with unlimited supplies of water, soda, caffeine, and snacks.  Common practice in the software industry, this keeps the consultants in the room working, instead of venturing to the vending machine.  The sugar and caffeine props them up for extended hours and gives them an extra oomph.  I’m curious if anyone every measured the productivity gains compared to the expenses.  In general, whatever expenses made will seem minuscule compared to the fees, so any marginal gain of work from this will generate huge returns.
• Continuing on the line of munchies, occasionally drop real food and treats.  Sandwiches, smoothies, whatever feels and tastes good.  Not only do you negate their chance to go out for dinner, wasting lots of time, it also makes the consultant feel special.  And in many cases, still having the college student mentality (despite making decent dough), they experience the free food syndrome – feeling like getting away with something, and otherwise ordinary food tasting much better.
• Secure a nice room with windows and all the necessary equipment.  If they don’t feel trapped in a dungeon, they will be more happy to work late.  Make sure there are plenty of power plugs and network connections for their laptops. Don’t make them move from room to room carrying all their things. The idea here is to minimize downtime and create a working environment that maximizes efficiency and desire to stay around.  Again, the costs are minimal but the returns are huge.
• Make them spend more time thinking, researching, interviewing, training – anything other than making slides.  When the big meeting happens, they will burn the midnight oil, yell at or beg their graphics pool, do whatever it takes to make pretty presentations anyways.  You must realize that there exist no bounds for improving the presentation.  Thus, minimize the time they spend covering their asses by looking good on PowerPoint, and direct their time towards producing more tangible results.
• Develop your own people by sticking them on the team.  Have that young, ambitious, competent employee who’s been wanting the opportunity prove him/herself?  Put that person on the team working around the clock with the consultants.  This not only ensures that when the consultants fly out of town that you’ll be able to continue or replicate the work, but also gives your person a decent chance to grow and learn. Despite being intrusive, expensive, and needy, the consultants are a hardworking, semi-intelligent bunch.  Surround your person with these folks for a few months, and they will elevate your employee’s game.
• Provide a small stereo in the team room.  You’d be amazed by the time distortion effects of music.  Even with today’s digital music on laptops and iPods, consultants usually don’t feel comfortable wearing headphones because it may appear unprofessional, or simply stymies the flow of conversation.  Again, make them comfortable in the work environment.

Now if only my clients would consult me on how to better milk us.